“I’m Not Coming Back”

Have I done enough? Did I do my best? What if we discovered the disease early, do we have more than enough to sustain it? I don't know. I can’t even give the right answer either but I can’t help myself why these thoughts keep on passing through my mind that grieves my heart. 

I know the feeling of losing someone you love. I witnessed everything and can’t even forget Nanay’s last breath. At that moment, I can’t even cry because I know in my heart and in my mind that she is in the better place where there is no pain. Maybe you would think that I’m in denial but no, I had peace inside because it seems like the pressure and burden have been lifted up. 

During the wake, I don’t feel like mourning because of busyness of life but when it was over, my heart grieved. Paint by numbers and diamond paintings were my outlet to divert my attention as I was emotionally and mentally sick. It helps me a lot because one way or the other, my desire to paint was granted and I had revelation in each and every painting I have. 

Months passed by and there was silence but one day, Sis Emma and Sis Nemia told me to be prepared because God wants to meet me. They were so excited that they even pushed me to go to a certain place to meet God. I was troubled inside but at the same time, I’m excited. I wonder why God wants me to meet Him. 

When we reached that place, God was not there yet so we waited for a little bit. I can't recall if I'm praying or doing something to feel at ease. I'm kind of nervous meeting God, you know. Sis Nemia and Sis Emma were at the distance, seems like they were interceding. Overwhelmed over the situation, I wasn’t able to hear what God says for I kept on crying while He is speaking, then, I saw Nanay coming toward us. Without any further ado, we embraced each other tightly. I don’t know how long I hugged her and at the same time crying. I really missed her and I longed for her for a long time. She then told me, “Tell them, I’m not coming back” but I squirmed and said, “I don’t want to. You tell them.” I heard no reply. I don’t know what happened next but I woke up sobbing. 

Whew! It seems like real to me. For the first time I ever dreamt of Nanay after she left us. I was comforted and secured that she's with Jesus. What I regretted the most was, I never heard God's message because I was emotionally occupied. Maybe the reason why God wanted me to meet Him is for me to see that my Nanay is in His presence; that she is not suffering from any pain and she is enjoying her life to the fullest.

After a week or two of that dream, I was at the church lobby waiting for our band practice for Sunday worship when I saw Nanay alighted from the vehicle of my churhmate with a blissful smile. I was wondering if am seeing an illusion or having an open vision but what is certain was, our eyes just met and I was stunned. My eyes followed her when she went inside the church but when I saw her no more, I was back to my normal self. 

Sigh. . Can't believe it. What's happening? Well, I was grieving for my mother's death about two years ago. There were regrets, what ifs and these and that. I even blamed myself one way or the other and thoughts that keeps on torturing me . Though I tried my best to divert my attention to other things, still, I can't ignore the fact that my Nanay is dead and she is not coming back again, no matter how much we miss her or long for her. 

The lesson I learned from this encounter a year ago is that: God knows exactly what we are going through, our emotions, our weakness and He has the ability to address it according to His ways. 

Death may be the powerful weapon of the enemy - to steal, kill and destroy our joy and happiness but we need to understand that there is life after death - an everlasting life. 

Weeping may endures for a night but joy comes in the morning. Cast all your cares on the Lord for He cares for you.