“Listen To Me”

January 4, 2019.  Lunch date with a friend at Unlieat.  I felt the heaviness in her heart while having a heart to heart conversation.  I was also surprised when she told me that she could not still get over the demise of her Mom on November 21, 2016.  I felt the pain in her heart because my Mom passed away too on October 24, 2018 and I know exactly how does it feels because I have witnessed the last breath.

 

When I heard her story, it broke my heart because I never expected that she went through a lot in her life, physically and emotionally.  It was a shocking revelation to me because I thought, everything is fine because of her stable job abroad but behind that smile, there was an unbearable pain that if she is not strong enough, she will give up in life.  I only sighed after all and comforted her with words of encouragement.

 

The questions that lingered my mind after that conversation, “Why she can’t get over until now?” and “Why it took her so long to let it go?”   I mean, I’m not comparing or anything.  I just want to understand her situation.  I know that we have different views and perception in life but still, it bothers me, so, out of curiosity, I asked God the same questions.   

 

Months later, I started doing paint by numbers.  It’s one of my answered prayers too because I love painting but I don’t have the skill to do it but when the acrylic paint by numbers was introduced, I grabbed the opportunity to do it.  I ordered several designs and worked on it after dinner until midnight or wee hours every now and then. 

When I was working on the piece of “Jesus and the Woman at the Well”, there was no spectacular moment in the beginning but along the way, there were glimpses of revelation.  Whenever I have time, I do paint by numbers at night, from 9 or 10 o’clock in the evening (if I don’t have nightwatch duty) and ended up 3 o’clock in the morning as maximum.  During those times, I normally either spoke in tongues or sang worship songs because it comforts me and I noticed that things go smoothly.

 

In one of my working nights, I remembered the story of the late Patriarch Randolph Alder when he had an appointment with God at St. Peter’s square in Rome years ago.  Jesus told him to have a cup of coffee first before meeting Him.  It was September 9, 2019 when I posted my unfinished paint by numbers in my FB account featuring Jesus at the well with a cup on his hand.  This was my caption as posted, “When you feel alone and broken, Jesus is excited to have a cup of coffee with you… Good morning! (sun emoj)”

 

“Listen to Me” were the words I heard while doing the piece of the woman.  I thought, it’s just the implication of the painting since the woman was looking up to Jesus so I ignored it once but as I continually tracing the numbers, a flashed back of Nanay’s death suddenly appeared that caused my mind to be wild - all the “what ifs”, negative and condemning thoughts, among others.  When I started reasoning out and blaming myself one way or the other, I heard it again, “Listen to me.”  For the time being, I was emotionally unstable.  I know in my heart that I did my best and my part as a daughter as well as her fate but still, I was grieving and bawling inside.  For the third time, I heard those words but this time, with a little bit of scolding tone and at the same time with a gentle voice, saying, “Listen to me.  Listen to me.  Do not doubt my love for you.”  When I heard the last words, it calmed my heart and the tension my body subsided.  I felt the peace of God and His comfort. 

 

September 12, 2019, the caption I posted along with the second part of the painting was, “The heavenly Father wants to heal the wounds and scars of our past that we had never fully dealth with.  All we need to do is to be confined in the emergency mending place, have an ECG (Everyday Communion with God) and a regular check up of the spiritual ER.  People can comfort you but only God can bring ultimate healing. - Mary Baxter & George Bloomer”. 

 

August 16, 2023, my friend and I talked about the same topic.  The atmosphere was never the same in 2019.  I mean, we both understood that the reason why “we can’t move on of the demise of our mother” was due to “guilty feeling”.  On her part, she was working abroad and the “what ifs”.  On my part, I witnessed the last breath and the “what ifs”.  Through the years, we went through a lot of torturing ourselves I would say or blaming ourselves one way or the other that should not supposed to be.  At the end of the day, what happened is beyond our control.  After that conversation, I believed that we both addressed the matters of our heart and that, God already healed us emotionally.

 

While writing this overdue revelation and recalling the events that took place, I was reminded of the message I received last March 15, 2019 that says, “I know how hard it was for you dealing with the death of your loveone but I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault.”