How do you feel if somebody told you to let go of someone whom you love? Are you willing to let this person go or will you still hold on?
The moment my father was pulled away by the medical team of DRSTMH from the waiting area going to the ICU on July 29, 2021, I can't determine my feelings. I felt like, "I'm sending him to his death." I've mixed emotions that I can't even cry to be candid. I was exhausted that the pressure of my body went down when I saw him no more. I just hope that he can recover soon despite the fact that he wasn't vaccinated and it was the peak of Delta COVID-19.
Before he was taken away, I encouraged him to be strong, to recover and to fight for his life because his family and the church were praying for him and waiting for him to go out of the hospital alive. I even told him to be calmed and behave himself as he usually pulled out the oxygen mask. He was complaining that he couldn't breathe every time it was attached to him so he struggled most especially when he couldn't see me near him.
When he died on July 30, 2021, we heard negative comments as to why we sent him to the hospital, why we transferred him from the private to public and the likes. If he wasn't in the hospital, maybe he is still alive and so forth. People who didn't know the real situation will always have something to say but they can't even lift a hand to help. In as much as they wanted my father to be alive, so are we, right? We don't owe any explanation to them. What happened was out of our control and I believed that it was destined to happen, in a hard way. 🥹🥹🥹
Prior to his demise, my father always dreamt of his homeland, his ancestral house and even met dead relatives. He even dreamt that he was pursued by bad spirits but he always fought back. I even teased him if he wanted to accept the invitation to follow them but he strongly said, no. When I asked him if he wanted to pay a visit to his homeland as I'm willing to hire a van to fulfill it, he refused for health reasons. He hardly walks and he's afraid that if he does, he will fall on the rice land. Though the desire was there, he never forced me to do it as he cared more about the expenses and the shame if he fell down on the mountain range.
There were times where I saw him crying in the morning or when I got home from the office and the only reason was, HE REALLY MISSES MOM. He even told me that he smelled the baby powder my mom used everytime he was sweating and he could even feel the caress. He kissed the picture frame of my mom and even greeted her. Maybe, there were more gestures whenever he's alone at home that I didn't know but one thing is for sure, he loved my mom so much.
When my friend knew the passing of Tatay, she called me up and told me that she saw in a vision that Nanay was at the hospital and asked Tatay to be with her. When I asked the time when she saw it, it was the same time where Tatay was struggling and kept on pulling out the oxygen mask. That was also the time where I scolded him because of what he did. I mean, you want him to live, yet he's kind of hard-headed that I can't control my temper. 😔 When he saw me that I was kind of impatient, he calmed down again. I don't know what's going on in the spiritual realm but when my friend narrated to me her vision, I was assured that Tatay wanted to be with her. When I leave the hospital that night, I have peace in my heart because I already entrusted him to God.
The day before we went to the hospital, he already told me and my sister that he's already tired and he wanted to rest. If you take those words literally, it's just a simple rest but no, my sister and I knew what he meant. My sister took care of him and they prayed then I watched over him during the wee hours for fear that if I'm going to sleep, he will be gone. I mean, the weight of his body was already different and it was the same weight as my mother (before she died) when I lifted him. I monitored the movement of his stomach and I kept on rebuking the spirit of death. I was relieved when I woke up that he was still alive.
We had breakfast. I never mentioned the hospital or the swab test to him again unlike the previous days. I told him that I can't report to the office unless he will undergo swab test as I was the one taking good care of him along with my nephews and niece after my home quarantine. The household was consecutively sick while I underwent home quarantine so when I finished my quarantine, I bought all his maintenance but while I was on the line, I suddenly heard, "he will not going to use it". I was puzzled because why can't he use it? But I heard no reply. Though he has maintenance left at home, I bought a new set for 30 days for fear that it will lockdown again. I just ignored what I heard and bought the same.
I was cleaning the room when my father asked me for time. When I told him that it was 8 in the morning, he told me to go to the hospital. I was delighted because for the past few days, he strongly refused as he claimed that when he goes to the hospital, he will die. The purpose of bringing him to the hospital is to put an end to any speculations as he needs to be treated properly. He has a history of pneumonia and he's also a diabetic. His fever was on and off for the week and the death of my brother added misery. Second was, for me to report in the office if he's negative from the swab test.
Looking back to the unfavorable circumstances that we went through, God never leave us nor forsake us. He has given us 24 hours to prepare, to accept the reality that finally, Tatay chose to be with Nanay after years of longing. We assured him that we can take care of ourselves and that he has nothing to be worried about. It may be painful the way it happened because he was cremated and we claimed him after our quarantine but we have peace in our hearts that his passing is only a temporary knowing that Tatay was already in God's presence with his beloved Inday.
When I was told over the phone to let go of my father while I was in the hospital, I wasn't hurt at all because I knew what he meant behind those words. Besides, before it all happened, we already had glimpses of his death but we are not certain as to when it will happen because we kept on rebuking the spirit of death.
For those people who heard stories that, as if I'm happy that my Tatay was already dead, continue to deceive yourself. You didn't know the silent battle I went through over the years.
Letting go is the wise choice. First, Tatay misses my Nanay. We, as children cannot give nor fill in the missing piece. Second, it's hard for me to see him crying and talking to mom in that picture frame. Third, he already did his purpose. My siblings had their respective family and I'm also stable. He has nothing to worry about.
Sometimes, letting go is hard to do and it's kind of painful but little did we know, it's all for the betterment. I was able to do the things that I can't do while he was still alive as I had to consider things before him. After all these years, it's still good to think that we let him go because in heaven, there is no pain, no sickness and above all, he was with his only beloved.
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