It was dark. Alone. Frustrated. Fighting against tormenting thoughts. Sleepless nights and guilty feelings. Why? Because of the pressures of life and sin. I don’t want to do it but the sin living in me, did. I knew in my heart that when I asked God’s forgiveness, He forgave but still, the guilt was there. What happened should have been forgotten since I’m forgiven but because I was swayed by the lies of the enemy, I carried the load on my shoulders.
When I asked God to take me out of the dark, He answered but I tend to ignored Him in the beginning simply because of my stubbornness. It seems like, I was inside the bubble that I can’t feel any intervention. There was a point in my life that the word of God just bounced back and has no effect in me. I knew that it is the word of God and I understand it but one way or the other, I was numbed.
In my stubbornness, the undivided attention of God in dealing the matters and issues of my heart and mind brought to my attention on October 4, 2019. Does it mean that God has divided attention everytime we come to Him? Certainly not, because God is mindful of us and He loves us so much. In my case, He has to deal with me in different forms as I kept on ignoring Him one way or the other despite the fact of asking help from Him. God is faithful in hearing our prayers and supplications. He immediately takes action but if we are not willing to cooperate with Him, He will not force us but He will never give up. He will intervene if we allow Him to do so and He will do it gently. He is faithful to His word that when we call upon Him, He will answer us.
Why I was in the dark? Because I allowed it to happened though there was a choice not to be there. I was like a living time bomb that will burst out sooner or later if not properly cared off. When I went through mental, emotional and financial trial, it made me think that I’m tired of my life but despite of that critical stage, I still have my daily devotion, reading God’s word and doing the work of the ministry that keeps me to hold on in life.
When I had my devotion on that day, there was an illumination of scriptures. It seems like the words were leaping right off the page. And what are those words? It talks about the love of God to His people and His grace and mercy over sin.
While on my way to office, the tricycle I had ridden was decorated with scriptures. I laughed inside because God keeps on reminding me how to live a life worthy of Him (Gal. 5:22-23).
During free time, when I checked my fb account and while scrolling on the newsfeed, this scripture hit me inside, “Don’t you realize how patient he is being with you? or don’t you care? Can’t you see that he has been waiting all this time without punishing you; to give you time to turn from your sin? His kindness is meant to lead you to repentance.” (Rom. 2:4, TLB). Such is the great love of God for me. I was broken inside. I was stunned and asked myself, “Why am I doing this? I was the one who asked God’s help to take me out of the dark so why I kept on ignoring Him? He was there the moment I opened up my eyes in the morning, I heard Him in my prayer, when I went to the office and even in my free time. So what’s going on? Is it not enough to be awakened?
In the afternoon, I attended Friday mass and the homily was straight to my heart. It talks about the leniency of God to His people and as matured sons/daughters of Him, He expects us of knowing the rules and to abide with it. When we knew that we commit sin, repent and go back to Him. I’m kind of embarrassed that I can’t even explain the feeling of being convicted. It feels like, I have no place to hide from God for He keeps on pursuing me from running away. Just like what Hebrews 4:13 says, “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”
Kind of exhausted. I’m tired fighting against myself and against God. I want to be strong and not emotionally weak. Though I want to keep everything in me, still, I can’t help myself crying so deep. When I went home, I was kind of doomed and really wanted to have a good rest but a song crossed my mind that keeps my heart from singing that Jesus is true and not just a story, He is a friend who is always there when I need Him and He is also the King of the universe that controls everything. When that song became alive in me, all my defense mechanisms were laid down and I was awaken from the stupor of wine. A total breakthrough happened that brought me to fully surrender to God. I was kind of weak that God has to hold me up to keep going. It made me realize that even at the point of death, God is there, extending and offering His hand to reach us out no matter what.
In every painting, there’s always a story to tell. I did this paint by numbers twice and had different encounter with God. While I was in the dark world, I cried for help and He came. Though I snubbed His way of working in the beginning due to hardness of heart and spirit of dullness, still, God never stop reaching out His hand towards me, waiting for me to take hold of Him. When I choose to hold His hand, He held me up and my fate was changed. He delivered me from the power of darkness and conveyed me into the Kingdom of Light.
To God be the glory!
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