My Lover

I can't help myself to express what my heart says... It started while preparing going to church last January 25, 2017 and was able to wrote some of them during the service and finished it at night...  

My Lover

Hi.  How are you?  It’s been a while that I’m far away from you.  I long for you and I miss you. I know, I’ve broken your heart many times and I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for taking you forgranted.  I’m sorry for being stubborn.

I’m grateful for having you as my lover.  You are so gentle with me.  You treated me well though sometimes, I don’t deserve it.  You are so patient with me.  I can’t comprehend and fathom the depths of your love for me.  I know that I’m not worthy of your love, not worthy of you, still, you choose to love me.

I met you when I was in the wilderness wandering about life, about my purpose.  You found me in my lowest point of life.  Your words comforted me that I am not alone.  Being with you everyday light up my day.  You taught me how to fear God, how to trust Him, how to obey Him and how to live a life worthy of Him.  You’ve proven yourself kind and true.  You provided my needs.  You let me grow in my mistakes, you comforted and scolded me when I need it.

When you visited me the night that I can’t sleep, your presence brought peace to my soul.  You never leave me ‘til I fall asleep.  You made memories that I can’t forget: the beautiful place we travel, your warm embrace, the smile on your face and the good night kiss.  I saw you walked out of my room ‘til I closed my eyes and you’re gone.

My heart is filled with joy everytime we talk.  You are a good listener as I always do the talking.  There were times that you scolded me for being timid, for being lazy and for being over familiarity.  There were times that you just look at me everytime I do a lot of talking but just a matter of a tip of your finger on my nose will shut me up.  It is your way of saying, “that’s enough, no need of further explanation.”

You know me very well because you take a walk with me when I’m not in the mood.  Your serenades lift me up when I am down and it calms my heart.  You never talk when I’m angry and you know how to put a smile on my face.  You have that sense of humor that I can’t imagine.

Despite of your goodness and your faithfulness to me, I cannot love you enough.  I’m not faithful to my promise, I’m not faithful to you and I ran away from you.  I was tempted.  Sorry.  I prostituted myself to worthless things and vainglory.  I ran away to find myself because I am broken.  I want to be whole again.  I want to be a new creation.  Again, you found me when I was broken.  You ran to me, you took me with your arms held my head to your chest and said, “My beloved, come home with me.” You lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes and said, “Don’t you know that I still love you?”  Your kindness led me to repentance.  I was so ashamed of myself that I don’t want to see you but I was so amazed of your love, I was so overwhelmed and kind of offended.  Who am I that you are mindful of me and you really care for me?  That though I may be wrong, you in me so patiently. 

I’m so blessed to have you in my life.  Whenever you’re not around, you send me your representative, to help me, to be my counselor, to be my comforter and my companion.  Though I’m busy with my life, you are always waiting for me, always watching my going in and my going out and let me do my own thing.  You just allowed things to happen to build my character, to mold my personality and to pierce things not right in me.  I know that there were times you are also longing for me and you required my time to be with you but I can’t give it all because I was so distracted.  There were times that you have waited me for so long and yet, I just ignored you and slept.  I know that you are jealous but I never heard anything from you.  I’m beginning to ignore you many times and yet, you are still there.

When radical change happened, I’ve the feeling that you were not visible.  I can’t find you as I’m worried of everything.  I felt bad because I need you when I’ve problem and the reason why I looked for you.  I mean, what is my right to expect from you since I walked away, yet, as always, you never fail me.  Though sometimes you did not come in my terms, I felt so embarrassed and frustrated of myself because it seems like you’ve changed and you’re not the lover I’m used to know.  I seldom to meet you and though we talk, I felt that the intimate relationship wasn’t there.  Kind of upset and felt that I’m a failure and careless of our relationship.  I didn’t value you the way you value me so much.  I’m very sorry for that. 

There was a time when I grumbled, when I was emotionally depressed and crying out to you because I doubted your love for me as I can’t understand anymore what’s really going on.  I poured out my heart to you because I’m dying inside.  I don’t know what to do because I’m tired emotionally and mentally.  I’m crying because I need someone to comfort and scold me at the same time.  I even asked you if you still love me because you just kept silent and never say a word.  You just let me nagged you out of frustration and anxiety but when I was over, you just simply said, “Do not doubt my love.  I love you.”  When I heard it, it calmed my heart.  I’m expecting to hear more from you but there was none. 

My lover, I’m sorry for all my insecurities, for all my anxieties and for all the wrong doings I have committed to you.  I’m sorry if I’m not still responding to your invitation to be with you again, to spend more time with you again and to walk wholeheartedly with you again.  You always told me not to be afraid but I can’t avoid it.  I need to settle the issues of life inside me and I need to be whole again. 

Be patient with me once again, my lover.  Help me overcome my fear.  Help me back to where we’ve started.    I’m going to know you more once again.  I’m going to know your heart once again.  I’m going to hear from you once again and I need to prepare myself once again.  I do hope that when you come, I may be the beloved that you want me to be - the bride that you are returning for.

I’ll see you soon, My Lover.